Iguanas work best in this recipe, though really any non-poisonous lizard will do. Monitor lizards will also work, but you’ll need a really large kettle.
Human version:
Ingredients for 4 servings (recipe may be doubled, tripled, quadrupled, etc):
– 4 lbs. fresh lizard
– 2 quarts water
– 2 cups white vinegar
– pinch of salt
– 2 cups vodka or other clear distilled spirit
– 1/4 cup sugar, or more to taste
– another pinch of salt
Fill a large stockpot or kettle with water and set it on the stove to boil.
Once the water is boiling, add the lizard carcasses and blanch them for 2 min (3 min for large lizards). Dump the water out of the stockpot and add 2 quarts water and a pinch of salt. Bring to just a simmer, not a full boil.
When lizards are cool enough to handle, behead, skin, and gut them. Roughly chop the flesh and bones. Add to the simmering water, along with the vinegar and another pinch of salt. Simmer until flesh separates from bones and bones are soft. (The simmering can be done overnight if you have a large enough crockpot, or a fire burnt down to coals and someone to watch the fire.)
When lizard meat is tender and bones are softened, remove the lizard from the broth. Stir the sugar into the broth. Skim the broth and keep it warm, but do not let it boil.
Fill a blender no more than half full with lizard meat and bones. Add an equal amount of broth. Blend in batches, using the ice-crusher setting to break up the bones and then the purée/liquify setting. Pour each batch back into the broth as you go, because it really doesn’t matter if the broth/milk gets blended more than once!
When all the flesh and bones have been blended, take the pot off the heat and let it cool to drinking temperature. Add the vodka (Everclear, etc.). Taste and correct the seasoning, adding more sugar or salt to taste. Serve warm, or refrigerate to serve cold.
Serves 4 – 40, depending on the adventurousness of your guests.
Orcish version:
Boil water in kettle. Throw lizards in for a few minutes. Remove lizards. Bash, smash and mash lizards on a flat rock with another rock or a club until they form a paste. Scrape paste back into kettle. Add enough sour wine or sour beer. Add some salt. Add some honey if you have it. Put lid on kettle. Holding lid on kettle, do happy lizard milk dance, shaking kettle thoroughly. Put kettle down and call everyone in village to come and drink tasty lizard milk.
It also reminds me of a character concept for a “kid’s cartoon” on par with S&K that I came up with in high school . . . oh, ten or so years ago.
The Singing Corpse Gourmet.
I’ll try to track down the old concept sketches I made, but if the concept appeals to you, Dave, feel free to have a cameo appearance.
I still remember the song which inspired the concept:
La la la LA!
Milk and eggs and butter
Make a tasty pie
Add a little rat gut
Then in the pan to fry!
Reminds me of something in Bruce Coville’s Book of Monsters II called ‘A Recipe for Trouble’. Both quite entertaining. Though, I will point out, a number of monitor species are smaller than the average iguana, which can easily reach 4 feet long. The idea that iguanas are small or even medium-sized lizards is a common misconception. On the other hand, both iguanas and monitors are common game animals in their native ranges.
i´m having a REALLY disturbing mental picture right now about how/where exactly they´re milking those lizards…..
I’m kind of hoping it involves boiling and grinding the bones in to a white-ish paste. The alternatives are less palatable.
Lizard Milk
Iguanas work best in this recipe, though really any non-poisonous lizard will do. Monitor lizards will also work, but you’ll need a really large kettle.
Human version:
Ingredients for 4 servings (recipe may be doubled, tripled, quadrupled, etc):
– 4 lbs. fresh lizard
– 2 quarts water
– 2 cups white vinegar
– pinch of salt
– 2 cups vodka or other clear distilled spirit
– 1/4 cup sugar, or more to taste
– another pinch of salt
Fill a large stockpot or kettle with water and set it on the stove to boil.
Once the water is boiling, add the lizard carcasses and blanch them for 2 min (3 min for large lizards). Dump the water out of the stockpot and add 2 quarts water and a pinch of salt. Bring to just a simmer, not a full boil.
When lizards are cool enough to handle, behead, skin, and gut them. Roughly chop the flesh and bones. Add to the simmering water, along with the vinegar and another pinch of salt. Simmer until flesh separates from bones and bones are soft. (The simmering can be done overnight if you have a large enough crockpot, or a fire burnt down to coals and someone to watch the fire.)
When lizard meat is tender and bones are softened, remove the lizard from the broth. Stir the sugar into the broth. Skim the broth and keep it warm, but do not let it boil.
Fill a blender no more than half full with lizard meat and bones. Add an equal amount of broth. Blend in batches, using the ice-crusher setting to break up the bones and then the purée/liquify setting. Pour each batch back into the broth as you go, because it really doesn’t matter if the broth/milk gets blended more than once!
When all the flesh and bones have been blended, take the pot off the heat and let it cool to drinking temperature. Add the vodka (Everclear, etc.). Taste and correct the seasoning, adding more sugar or salt to taste. Serve warm, or refrigerate to serve cold.
Serves 4 – 40, depending on the adventurousness of your guests.
Orcish version:
Boil water in kettle. Throw lizards in for a few minutes. Remove lizards. Bash, smash and mash lizards on a flat rock with another rock or a club until they form a paste. Scrape paste back into kettle. Add enough sour wine or sour beer. Add some salt. Add some honey if you have it. Put lid on kettle. Holding lid on kettle, do happy lizard milk dance, shaking kettle thoroughly. Put kettle down and call everyone in village to come and drink tasty lizard milk.
My GOD, I love this write-up. 😀
Sharing this to the Discord to get more eyes on it, this is a great piece.
i´m not sure if you´re a mad genius or typing this from an asylum, but you certainly live up to your nickname!!
and the receipe is bloody hilarious, if on the slightly jucky side 😉
*applauds*
Kudos. Very well done!
It also reminds me of a character concept for a “kid’s cartoon” on par with S&K that I came up with in high school . . . oh, ten or so years ago.
The Singing Corpse Gourmet.
I’ll try to track down the old concept sketches I made, but if the concept appeals to you, Dave, feel free to have a cameo appearance.
I still remember the song which inspired the concept:
La la la LA!
Milk and eggs and butter
Make a tasty pie
Add a little rat gut
Then in the pan to fry!
If we could like comments here, I would hit the like button SO hard on this one Mary! 😀
Reminds me of something in Bruce Coville’s Book of Monsters II called ‘A Recipe for Trouble’. Both quite entertaining. Though, I will point out, a number of monitor species are smaller than the average iguana, which can easily reach 4 feet long. The idea that iguanas are small or even medium-sized lizards is a common misconception. On the other hand, both iguanas and monitors are common game animals in their native ranges.